I don't really believe in coincidences. I think everything happens for a reason, and for some reason this week of loving myself came during an incredibly hard time for me.
It has been a battle to try to be kinder to myself, to love myself, to forgive myself.
I've faced/I'm facing challenges that are beyond my control, and those who know me well know that when things are out of my control, that alone is a challenge for me to accept.
My wise roommate, Jen, reminded me of a story that I shared with her after women's conference. I went to Austin to visit my friend Janessa and while I was there I was able to attend an LDS Women's Conference with Sister Julie B. Beck. At the time Sister Beck was the General Relief Society President for the LDS church.
Sister Beck shared a lesson she learned about trials, and the Lord coming during our hour of need.
She discussed a story found in Matthew 14/Mark 6. After Jesus had fed the five thousand he told his disciples to get into the ship to go to the other side, while he went up to the mountain to pray. Jesus remained alone, but the ship was caught in a storm.
Mark 6:46-51"And when he had sent them away, he departed into a mountain to pray. And when even was come, the ship was in the midst of the sea, and he alone on the land. And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them. But when they saw him walking upon the sea, they supposed it had been a spirit, and cried out: For they all saw him, and were troubled. And immediately he talked with them, and saith unto them, Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid. And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased: and they were sore amazed in themselves beyond measure and wondered.
The Romans divided the night into four watches, the fourth watch takes place between 3 - 6 a.m. The fourth watch is the last watch of the night.
Here are my notes from what Sister Beck said:
- We have a fourth watch God.The Lord will come to us, when we can no longer make it through the night alone.
- The Savior is watching us toiling, we are not alone.
- He will come, sometimes not until the fourth watch, but He will come.
- That time spent toiling will cause our spiritual muscles to grow.
Now, I'm not saying I'm in the fourth watch, I daresay that this could be worse, I could toil more. But just for today, I can't really do it anymore. I can't handle the toiling, my muscles are a bit exhausted. So instead of the miraculous rescue during the fourth watch, this morning I simply prayed for the strength to make it through today.